If someone greets me with a nice smile, and expresses a genuinely friendly attitude, I appreciate it very much. Though I might not know that person, or even understand their language, my heart is instantly gladdened. On the other hand, if kindness is lacking, even in someone from my own culture whom I have known for many years, I feel it. Kindness and love, a real sense of sisterhood and brotherhood, these are very precious. They make community possible, and therefore are an essential part of any society. — His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso
It would be tedious and perhaps depressing to narrate the myriad instances of rudeness, inconsiderateness, and generally ill-mannered behavior that one comes across in daily life, at least in this country, and at least where we live. Of course, when people observe basic social norms, including norms of politeness and consideration, such behavior is unremarkable because expected and more or less routine, on the order of a secular ritual. It is only transgressions of norms of “civility” and good manners that remind us of the need and value of such things, their disappearance or decline prompting us to reflect on social and cultural order more generally. My wife and I find ourselves, nonetheless, sharing stories of these violations and the apparent corrosion of basic behavioral norms every time we venture outside the house (perhaps that makes us feel better about ourselves, varnishing our self-mages if you will). I often wonder if our observations and complaints are more than mere anecdotal evidence, perhaps attributable to us being in our mid-sixties, verging—charitably speaking—on being crotchety old folks that are the staple if not stereotypes of the sit-coms and movies of our generation. I do not doubt there are causal pathways and feedback loops that operate in the larger society involving mass and social media, including the disturbing behavior of an increasing proportion of politicians and public officials at all levels of politics. But that is a topic for another day and perhaps too obvious in cause and consequence to warrant further attention. And I’d rather not share the little things I try to do to by way of putting my finger in the proverbial dike (I may at the same time fantasize teaching the other person a lesson, or delivering a swift punch to the face, but the better side of me typically triumphs, at least as long as I’m sober), as these actions are not very imaginative or unusual but simply reflect the manner of my upbringing, including attendance at a Catholic school. All of that was of course reinforced in various social settings and circumstances (by our neighbors, my parents’ friends, and so forth).
By way of aiding our reflections on such things, I unreservedly recommend Amy Olberding’s book, The Wrong of Rudeness: Learning Modern Civility from Ancient Chinese Philosophy (Oxford University Press, 2019). Incidentally, it was from the late Professor Herbert Fingarette (while a teaching assistant in the 1980s for his introductory undergraduate course on Asian philosophies) that I first learned to appreciate the “wrong of rudeness,” in particular, from a title Professor Olberding lists in her “works cited,” Confucius: The Secular as Sacred (Harper Torchbooks, 1972). My “study guide” for Confucianism has some basic concepts introduced and discussed that may spark your interest as well (it is found under ‘teaching documents’ on my Academia page).
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